The Three Little Tortallans
by lana-nana
Summary: The story of the three little pigs, Tortallan style. I find this rather lame. It was just a plot that I thought up of one day while I was doing my homework.
1. Journeying

The Three Little Tortallans  
  
Ok, so this is the story of the three little pigs. Wrong! Instead of pigs, you have Tortallans. Alanna is the mother and Thom, Alan, and Alianne (hey! The spell check wanted to change her to Alien!) are the three little Tortallans. Yep, that's all. But one more thing. This story is totally messed up. It's nothing like the original Three Little Pigs.  
  
  
  
Once upon a time in the middle of Tortall – No no no! That's not right. In the middle of the woods (a while away from Trebond), there lived a happy little Tortallan family. One summer day, early in the morning, Alanna woke up her children and said sadly to them, "There comes a time when children grow up and are ready to get on with their lives. They go out into the world and seek out their life and – oh enough of this. I find this part of the story WAY too boring. Just scat."  
  
Out went Thom. Out went Alianne. Where was little Alan?  
  
"Alan! Get out of bed!" Alanna roared.  
  
"Uh…what? What's going on? Huh? Where is everybody?" said very confused Alan. He looked at Thom and Alianne's empty beds and back at his mother. "Um, good morning mother."  
  
"Hurry up and get dressed. Thom and Alianne have already left," Alanna said impatiently and walked out of the room, leaving behind a very confused Alan. Shrugging, he went back to sleep.  
  
* * *  
  
The two little Tortallans trudged through a meadow and headed toward the edge of the woods that led to the Great Road North. They, of course, were going south (but taking the Great Road North)  
  
Stopping for a midmorning break, Thom said, "Have you ever wondered why we're even in this story? I mean, aren't there supposed to be three pigs?"  
  
"Beats me. I'm just wondering why there are only two Tortallans," said Alianne.  
  
"Where IS Alan anyway? He should've been right behind us," Thom said, looking around.  
  
"Oh well. Probably just got lost," Alianne said calmly. "Let's go."  
  
"But we can't! This story is all wrong now. We need a third little pi - I mean Tortallan." Thom was starting to get very worried.  
  
"Whatever." Alianne wasn't in the mood for this. And she was tired. "Just wake me up when you find a replacement." Before Thom could answer, she was fast asleep.  
  
"Great. Just great. NOW what am I supposed to do? I'm in big trouble now. If only Roald were here," Thom mumbled to himself quietly, as to not disturb Alianne. Perhaps he was being a tad bit too loud, because Kalasin of Conte (actually, in this story she's going to be the daughter of the woodcutter) came running out of the woods, looking panicked.  
  
"Roald? Did you say Roald? Oh," Kalasin said, seeing Thom. "It's only you. But have you seen him?"  
  
"Seen who?" asked Thom.  
  
"My brother," said Kalasin.  
  
"Which one?" Thom asked again.  
  
"Roald."  
  
"Is he missing?"  
  
"Yes. He went out to chop some wood, but he never came back. So have you seen him?" Kally said, worried.  
  
"No. But I really have to go. I've got to find a replacement for the third little pi – Tortallan," Thom said.  
  
"Oh, that's too bad. I was going to ask you to help me look for him," Kally said sadly.  
  
"Say, why don't you be the third little pi – I mean Tortallan," Thom suggested. "That way, Alianne and I will have a third pi – Tortallan, and we can help you look for your brother too."  
  
"Good idea," said Kally.  
  
"Now I have to wake up my sister." Thom walked over to the log Alianne was sleeping on, and shook her. She didn't stir. Shaking her again, Thom was without success. Finally, becoming vexed, he shoved her off the log and onto the meadow floor. She hit it with a thud and snapped her eyes open, just as annoyed as Thom.  
  
"Hey! What was that for? I was having a good dream," she said, glaring at her brother.  
  
"Well excuse me, but you told me to wake you up after I found a replacement, so I did." Thom pointed at Kalasin.  
  
"Oh, hello Kally. Good to see you again." Alianne said.  
  
"Good to see you too, Ali. Now lets go." Kalasin started walking across the meadow, leaving the two behind. They hurriedly ran after her.  
  
"You know how in the story of the Three Little Pigs each of the pigs builds a house," Thom said during their midday meal. (I have no idea where they got the food)  
  
"Go on," Kalasin said without looking up. She was busy weaving a blanket. (I really don't know why)  
  
"Well, shouldn't we do the same thing?" Thom asked.  
  
"Maybe. But lets not build our houses out of straw and sticks," Alianne put in.  
  
"What about bricks?" said Thom.  
  
"How are me going to get bricks? We don't even have any money," Alianne pointed out.  
  
"Well, we could just make our houses out of…stones." Thom finished lamely.  
  
"Where are we going anyway?" Kalasin had finally put the blanket away and joined in the conversation.  
  
"How about Corus?" Alianne suggested. 


	2. Corus

After days and days of travelling, three VERY tired Tortallans made it to the Dancing Dove late in the afternoon. They nearly collapsed onto the table, exhausted. And the summer's heat didn't help either. Each ordered a cold drink (where'd they get the money? Hey, I told you this story was messed up)  
  
A serving boy with coal black hair came with their drinks on a tray. Kally immediately recognized him.  
  
"ROALD?" she squeaked.  
  
"Yes?" Roald asked, not realizing who she was. She was covered with dirt and her hair was tangled. He clothes were travel worn and dirty. The other two weren't much better.  
  
"What are you doing here in Corus?" Kally was trembling.  
  
"I ran away from my home in the woods and got a job here. You really don't want to know how boring it is cutting wood for a living," Roald said, still not realizing whom he was talking to.  
  
"But why didn't you tell me? We were looking for you!" Kalasin cried.  
  
Finally, it hit him. "KALLY?" Roald said, not believing it.  
  
His sister jumped on to him and enveloped him in a gigantic hug. And started crying.  
  
"I was…so…worried about…you," she wailed between sobs.  
  
"It's okay. It's okay. I'm fine. Really," Roald said encouragingly.  
  
Thom and Alianne watched, eating popcorn and sipping their sodas.  
  
"Oh, it's so sweet!" Alianne said, touched.  
  
"It's way to mushy for me," Thom said. "I think she's (Kally) over reacting."  
  
(Okay, I know that part was really stupid)  
  
Everyone at the table (Roald, Kalasin, and Alianne) threw tomatoes at him (where'd the tomatoes come from?)  
  
"Yuck! Oof. Stop that," Thom said. He tried to block the incoming "bombs," with little success.  
  
Alianne shook her head. "Let's get out of here."  
  
They walked out of the Inn. Thom stared back at them, still covered with tomato juice. He looked at his tomato covered shirt and said, "Eww!"  
  
Outside, Roald, Kally, and Alianne burst out laughing.  
  
"Did you see the look on his face?"  
  
"How hilarious."  
  
"I didn't know he didn't like tomatoes!"  
  
"Neither did I!"  
  
Roald, stopping to catch his breath, said, "I'd better get back inside. I have to get back to work."  
  
"Okay. Can you tell Thom that we're headed for the Royal Forest?" Alianne said.  
  
"Sure. Good day." Roald went inside.  
  
"Shouldn't I go with him? I mean, he's my brother," Kalasin said.  
  
"No way! You're the third Tortallan. You have to stick with us. But Roald can visit us after we're done building our houses," said Alianne.  
  
"Alright."  
  
By the time Thom had gotten himself cleaned up, it was already rather late. When he got to the Royal Forest, he found the girls at the edge of it sleeping on a big mound of hay. Next to it was a pile of sticks. Next to that was a mountain of cheap bricks.  
  
Thom walked over to them and shook them awake. The girls climbed off of the haystack and stood in front of Thom.  
  
"Well, what do you think?" asked Alianne.  
  
"It's…nice." Thom looked at the piles.  
  
"Now what?" said Ali.  
  
"We should make camp. It's getting late," said Kally.  
  
"You're right. But what about the supplies?" asked Thom.  
  
"We'll ward the camp genius," Ali said to her brother, impatient.  
  
"Oh, right," Thom looked at the ground, embarrassed.  
  
The hay was separated into three piles, and Thom asked, "Where did you get all of the supplies anyway? We don't have any money or anything…" He stopped when Alianne coughed and Kalasin looked away, pretending to be preoccupied in a bird. "Oh."  
  
Dinner was served. The camp was warded, and soon everyone was sleeping on his or her own mound of hay. 


	3. The Butcher Strikes

A passerby with good vision would have been able to see three forms moving around deep in the forest in a clearing, building houses out of straw, wood, and bricks.  
The three little Tortallans had woken up early in the morning to move the piles deeper into the forest, where their houses were to be built.  
A dispute occurred over who would use the straw and who would use the sticks. Thom had the bricks all to himself (no one wanted them except him)  
Alianne and Kalasin fought over who would get to use the straw. The straw house took the least time to build, and each being so lazy and tired in the morning, wanted it. In the end, Alianne won, and everyone set to work.  
Alianne and Kalasin all looked at Thom. What was the point of building a brick house out here? It wasn't like a big bad wolf would come out of the woods and try to eat them. And it definitely wasn't worth the time with bricks anyway.  
While Alianne and Kalasin were playing, Thom was busy making his brick house. He worked slowly and carefully, taking his time.  
Just as he was finishing and putting on the last touches to his red brick house, Alianne and Kalasin ran into the clearing, screaming.  
Thom ran over to them, yelling over their screams, asking them what was wrong.  
"It's him!" cried Kalasin. She was very pale. Alianne nodded.  
"Come on," said Thom. Everyone ran into their homes.  
Just as they did, Duke Roger of Conte (gasp! He's not dead! Hmm...why don't I make him a butcher?) came crashing through the woods, snarling and slobbering like a...big bad wolf!  
He limped over to Alianne's straw house, and said, "Little pig, little pig, let me in!"  
"No! It's `Little Tortallan, little Tortallan, let me in!'" corrected Alianne.  
"Oh...right," said Roger the butcher. "Little Tortallan, little Tortallan, let me in!"  
"Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!" Alianne shouted back.  
"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!" Roger yelled.  
And so Roger huffed and puffed and blew away Alianne's straw house. She screamed and ran to Kalasin's wooden one.  
Roger skipped (yes skipped!) next door.  
He banged on the door and yelled, "Little pi - Tortallan, little Tortallan, let me in!"  
"Not by the hair of our chinny-chin-chins!" Alianne and Kalasin cried back. Inside, you could hear Kalasin whisper, "Don't worry. He can't get in here. My house is made out of sticks."  
"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!!!" Roger screamed. And that was what he did.  
The two girls dug themselves out of the big pile of sticks (which was the remains of Kalasin's house) and ran to Thom's.  
They banged on the door, screaming at the top of their lungs. Roger was right behind them!  
"Thom! Thom! Let us in!" cried Kalasin.  
"Who is it?" Thom called back.  
"Us!" both Alianne and Kalasin screamed.  
"Us who?" Thom asked.  
"Thom, stop it! We don't have time for this," Alianne said, annoyed. Roger was getting closer.  
"Oh fine, but I don't know if I should let you in. You were the one's that said that building a house made out of bricks in the middle of the forest was pointless," Thom said, purposely trying to annoy the girls.  
"What?" both of them cried.  
"Admit that you were wrong! Eat your words!" Thom said impatiently.  
"Right now? He's coming!" yelled Kalasin.  
"I'm not listening..." Thom said, plugging his ears.  
"Fine! We're sorry! Now can you let us in?" Alianne said urgently. Roger was only a few yards away.  
"Uh..." Thom though about it for a moment. "Hmm....okay." He opened the door.  
Kalasin and Alianne jumped in and quickly shut the door behind them, keeping Roger out.  
"Now what do we do?" whispered Kally.  
"Well, according to the story of the Three Little Pigs, in the brick house they boiled a pot of hot water in the fireplace, where the wolf was supposed to come down to," said Thom.  
"So let's do that," said Alianne. "Uh...do you have a pot?"  
Thom looked around. No pot was to be seen.  
"Great. Leave it to my brother to mess things up," Alianne said, rolling her eyes.  
"Hey! It's not my fault! How was I supposed to know this would happen?" Thom shot back.  
"Because, it's your job to!" Alianne yelled back.  
"Oh enough!" said Kalasin. The two siblings looked at her. She continued. "Well, since we don't have a pot, why don't we use something else?"  
"Like?"  
"How about...that turtle shell over there?" Kalasin pointed to something small and green in the corner. (Where'd that come from?)  
"What? That? It's too small! It'll never wor-," Thom was interrupted by a glare from Alianne.  
"It'll do," she said, giving Thom a you-better-not-say-anything look.  
While the turtle shell was boiling over the fireplace, Roger the Butcher was pounding on the door and screaming, "Little Tortallans, little Tortallans, let me in!"  
Everyone in the house yelled back, "Not by the hair of our chinny-chin- chins!"  
"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!" And he huffed and he puffed, but the house wouldn't come down. He tried again, and again. The house stood where it was. Again and again, until he was out of breath.  
"Argh! You little Tortallans think you're so smart! But I'll get in! From the chimney!" Roger roared, and started climbing up to the roof.  
Inside, everyone was laughing hysterically. The butcher was even stupider than they had thought.  
A CRASH! sounded at the fireplace. Roger had landed on his behind on the turtle shell. Like Thom had said, it was too small.  
All three looked at one another.  
"Uh-oh, where's the water?" whispered Kalasin.  
The others shrugged. They had forgotten to put it in.  
"Do you smell something?" asked Alianne.  
Thom sniffed the air. "It smells like..."  
"Like something's burning," said Kally.  
They all looked at Roger, still sitting in the turtle shell.  
His rump was burning.  
"Aaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeee!!!" he screamed and disappeared, up the chimney again.  
Everyone blinked.  
The turtle shell was glowing. It was hot. Very hot. The fire in the fireplace had heated it up.  
"Well, that was interesting," Thom said at last.  
"Sure was," said Alianne.  
Someone knocked on the door. It was Roald.  
"Hi Roald!" said Kalasin.  
"Hey. Err...what happened to the houses?" he asked.  
"Uh..." no one knew what to say.  
"And on my way here I saw this crazy man running around with his behind on fire. Any idea what that was about?" Roald looked at each of them. They all looked at each other.  
Alianne shook her head. "Don't ask."  
And they lived happily ever after.  
Okay, that must have been one of the stupidest stories I've ever written. What'd you think? Was it incredibly stupid like I thought, or did you enjoy it? Hmm... -Satiaus 


	4. Epilogue

Epilogue  
Thom was busy cleaning up the remains of Alianne and Kally's houses. It was a few days after Roger the Butcher had attacked. Gods knew where he was now.  
Kalasin was chopping wood (hey! She's the daughter of a woodcutter. And who says girls can't cut wood?) for a table. Alianne was fishing at the nearby stream. Everything was nice and peaceful.  
After all the work was done, Alianne came up to Thom and asked, "Is it okay if we move in with you?"  
Thom immediately stopped cleaning. "WHAT?"  
"I said `Can we move in with you,'" said Alianne.  
"Why would you want to do that? I sure wouldn't," cried Thom.  
"Well where else can we stay?" she replied.  
"You can build another house! It's not my fault yours got destroyed by a crazy butcher!" he answered.  
"It would be a lot easier if we just moved in," said Alianne, loosing her patience.  
"The answer is no," Thom said.  
"Too bad. Kally and I have already moved in," and Alianne left.  
Thom stared after her. He shook his head, and went back to work.  
THE END (of The Three Little Tortallans)  
Okay so I got bored and decided to add an epilogue. Feel free to give me flames. I won't be insulted. I really think this story is lame. But I'm working on a sequel to The Three Little Tortallans. It's about Alan and what happened to him after Thom and Alianne left. Maybe it'll actually be interesting! -Satiaus 


End file.
